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Ban on Beef: The “Holy Cow” and the “Holy Crap!”

By now, the word “ban” may have become a very familiar one among all of us. It’s been thrown around nowadays like F-bombs all over the place. The moment a “babu” or a “neta” finds something repulsive while walking around in his daily life, he calls up all his neta buddies and decides on the next petition to file in court or Parliament. Well, isn’t that a great way to run the country! Just suppress the opinions of every single person in the country and make sure that they follow exactly what you want them to, specifically based on the inherent viewpoints that you so gallantly carry in your head. This time, people are not the only ones who have been dragged into this game, “How do we f*** with the country next?” The politicians of the country decided that the cow population has been suffering tremendously due to the incessant slaughter for food that has been happening. So they all met up over a game of cards and decided, “Let’s throw the next person who eats a beef burger into the jail for five years. That should be a good enough punishment for someone who does such a horrendous crime!” That’s some top quality leadership right there, bros!

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Our blissful intolerance is more like heavy ignorance

Let’s look at the issue through the several angles that present themselves when analyzed from an observer’s point of view, because who are we but observers, right? Well, for one thing, the first angle to view this aspect from would be that of food. For one, would any one of us want our food habits to be governed by fat, porn-watching oldies whose favorite time-pass is dozing off in Parliament amidst the mindless chatter of their colleagues. Secondly, if you were a dictator, would you rather ensure that more time is spent on making people follow rules related to larger revenue generation and keeping mutiny in check, or would you concentrate on the way people eat in your country? Imagine Adolf Hitler, instead of killing the Jews forbade them from eating sandwiches on Tuesdays and prescribed Broccoli as a state law. What I am trying to say is that this aspect fails to make any sense if you are striving to be a good leader or even if you are striving for the opposite and ensuring the enslavement of people under a dictatorship. So why would some individuals, even those with the IQ of a rock like our politicians, think of doing this? This is where our good old friend religion comes in.

Basically, what our politicians are trying to say is that an invisible man in the sky (men, women, hybrid creatures and millions of other forms if you are a Hindu) have specifically told us (in writing) that killing the cow would effectively be similar to killing your mother. This argument, even though it may sound weird to a sane person, has people flocking to the nearest cow and going hardcore religious on it! Well, my friends, as you can see our judicial and legislative system is completely backed by religious sentiments and beliefs. In other words, when considering the ruling of our country and the laws which govern its very functioning, our politicians completely let go of logic and understanding and place their belief on invisible deities who somehow communicate with them through telepathic messages, as if they are the chosen few who have been bestowed this “great” privilege. Here, I’ll just take a moment to shed a tear of pity for all those poor souls who have been offended by the above paragraph.

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Yes Grandma, the cow will guarantee you a safe journey to the next dimension!

After religion rains its puritanical blessings, beliefs and of course, opinions on this issue, there comes a more important and genuine angle to the ban as a whole. I heard a politician saying that the cow has so many uses; it gives us the milk that we love to drink, it gives us the dung that is to kickstart the revolution towards organic farming, it gives us the urine which we drink to quell our religious fantasies, and so on. These must be reasons enough to stop us from killing it, right? Well, I beg the politicians to please stop living in an unconscious trance and actually awaken to reality! How many animals have we killed mercilessly and endangered beyond rescue, how many cartels in the basin of the Congo run on the money channelled by merciless killing of elephants, how many tigers did we skin so that a rich douchebag can have a nice rug on the floor, how many, my dear netas, how many? Well, let’s take the example of cows again, peeps. The first thing I see when walking on the road outside is stray cattle roaming around aimlessly, disrupting traffic, eating garbage and the occasionally fatal plastic bag, while the occasional individual of quintessential modern-day society comes along with a roti or two, has a sip or two of cow urine and breathes a sigh of relief as he walks on with a clear conscience, completely oblivious to the immense damage that is happening behind the religion-afflicted and brainwashed belief system that they harbor.

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Yes, save the cow and kill the others blindly!

My friends, I beg of you to see the truth! It may be harsh because we have been conditioned to live in a society which exaggerates the trivial while completely ignoring the harsh details. All we need to do is open our minds and our eyes. The politicians, if they really wanted to ensure the development and growth of the country, could have looked into so many pressing issues of today which need their attention. Instead, they haggle on news channels for their TRPs as the media glorifies issues that frankly, pale in comparison to the amount of shit we are in right now.

Arnab, the savior! Send him your TRPs and he will absolve you of your troubles, be it beef ban or the ban on noisy anchors!
Arnab, the savior! Send him your TRPs and he will absolve you of your troubles, be it beef ban or the ban on noisy anchors!

So, the next time you meet a cow on the street ask it (maybe, telepathically) whether it supports the ban on beef. I am pretty sure that it will answer with a hot, smoking, fresh pile of cow dung¬†because that is how much “shit” it gives about us humans and our mindless politics.

Here’s a bonus image that will make you go full-on ballistic on religion if you haven’t already (try it out, it’s fun!)

Here's religion at its hypocritical best!
Here’s religion at its hypocritical best!

Image Sources: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5]

About Ashwin Ramesh

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